Heya friendos! As the title implies, I’ve been experiencing a phenomenon that we discussed in a previous edition of the newsletter. It has already been half a year since that one! It seems like time has gotten away from me. Let’s talk about what I’ve done since then, what I’m up to now, and why I’m feeling creatively antsy again.

How Am I Doing?

I’ve had a lot of erratic energy spikes and drops this past week. I was feeling creatively antsy again. As I stated in that newsletter, I’ve come to think about it as a form of self-soothing. But then, why do I feel the need to soothe myself, right now? Read along as I journal my thoughts to figure it out!

I was doing some financial projections and it seems I have exactly 12 months of benefits left to go about my business unabated. That’s reassuring, but it does not feel so boundless anymore. After that, I still have significant savings that I could potentially survive on for another year, if frugally. Either way, it’s time to get serious about what shape New to Narrative will take to make it a viable option to live off of.

We’re coming up to the anniversary of this newsletter now. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t made nearly as much progress as I projected. If I played my cards right, I could’ve finished a commercial game by now. But then I pinch myself and look at my original goals. I’ve created a small community of creative peers, finished a handful of YouTube videos, wrote even more helpful blog posts, and documented the bones of many new projects. Most importantly, I did what I wanted to do at all times. I’ve never been happier and healthier.

But, one person can only do so much by themselves. Making my own games for a living has been my life goal for as long as I remember having a life goal. If I want to get serious about that, I need to make some decisions about what projects to drop. Would I still want to do YouTube, if it saps the time and resources I could put into game development instead? Would I forcefully need to redirect the creativity I put into short stories I will never finish towards something that will be done one day? Can I handle all the business aspects of publishing a game in addition to all the other stuff I’m already doing?

These are questions that… I’m postponing.

What Am I Doing?

I recently had a chat with my friend and creative confidante, Jonas. He has found himself in the situation of having to choose which project he will commit to for the next few months. We talked a little bit about which projects he had in mind, and how commercially viable they are. Even during that chat, we discussed a new game idea altogether. It goes to show how little creatives actually want to think about making business decisions that they end up thinking about something new and exciting instead.

In addition to that, I’m knee-deep in video editing. If you’ve been subscribed to the newsletter for a while, you know that it’s not my favorite activity in the world. I put in a couple of hours every day, but you can imagine I would rather be doing anything else that cut out all the “ahs” and “uhms” while looking at myself on the screen.

So, I’ve been gorging myself on a goulash of business decisions and drudgery. Naturally, my instinct is to snack on a bunch of new creative ventures instead. After my talk with Jonas, I immediately started up Godot and toiled away at a prototype for a whole… hour. My fervor fizzled at the first sign of resistance. I observed this pattern and reminded myself that I already have a project I’m passionate about. Is this growth?

Just kidding, I started writing a horror short story the day after. Inspiration too, hits me differently in this state. As of yet, I cannot control my impulses when I’m creatively antsy like that, so for now I’m content with just riding it out. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually finish that short story this time.

Why Am I Doing? (this)

I initially had some other stuff I wanted to write about in this week’s edition, but I guess it was a journalling day instead! It do be like that sometimes. I feel like I’m becoming more capable of putting into words thoughts I’ve never heard anyone describe before.

This description of creative antsiness as a kind of unguided energy that jolts around in your body and psyche of which you don’t what to point it at, is something that resonated with people. Someone told me that it was a good description of their experiences with manic episodes as well. Perhaps it’s specifically a neuro-divergent spectrum thing?

I’ll leave it at that for now.