Hey friends! No game development or Bibidi updates today. I was a bit down last week, so I want to talk a little about how I experience depression, and what I did this time to deal with it. Stick around and I’ll reward you with some animal photos! Trigger warning: Depression.

How Am I Doing?

Don’t worry, nothing is wrong. I just have these short depressive episodes sometimes. I’m not diagnosed with clinical depression or anything, it’s usually pretty short bouts of low energy where I don’t want to work, clean or otherwise take good care of myself. These days, they don’t last longer than a week or two, but in previous parts of my life, it could take up to the better part of a year. They usually hit me the worst in winter time, because of the lack of sun, so I’m guessing it’s a typical physical brain juice thing.

As an example, the moment I opened up this newsletter to start writing, all I could do was let out an audible sigh and close the browser again. The sink is full of dishes and a massive pile of laundry is waiting for me to fold it and put it away.

My girlfriend is away for work for a few days, so I’m by myself. When I’m feeling good and this happens, I usually throw a little party for myself. I buy a sixpack, order pizza and play videogames all night with friends online. It’s a sort of a purge: I do all my naughty stuff in one night and then get on with my responsible life again the next day. This time however, I was in the middle of a depressive bout and it just felt like a reminder of the times I used to self medicate for whatever thing I am on the spectrum.

What Am I Doing?

But, instead of writing a piece about how sorry I’m feeling for myself, I looked at the sunny weather and thought… Hell, I’ll go for a walk and see if a story comes to me instead. I know a pretty good streetfood cantine-type place a little further into town, so I opted to pop by and have some food and a coffee there, but probably go home directly after.

After lunch I felt a lot better already. I was surrounded by young families that all seemed to have a good time in the sun. This also made me realize it was a bank holiday, since so many people were out and about. There is a little street next to the cantine that I’ve always wanted to explore. Not for any other reason than the fact that I noticed it a couple of times and I never went inside. I alos just love completing and expanding the map of my surroundings in my mind.

I walked up the street, which seemed to be going up-hill. The way I go about taking a walk is essentially just choosing the next street that looks most interesting, be it because of architecture, nice trees and plants, or heading towards a big, recognizable structure visible on the horizon. This time, I was trying to scope out some big trees I saw looming behind the houses.

I ended up wandering into Bagnolet, a place I associated only with dilapitated sky appartment blocks and the world’s most terrifying intersection. I never really felt the need to explore this place, but to my great surprise it’s a really nice neighbourhood. Between the apartment buildings, some of which are pretty new, are tons of little green patches, small parks and maze-like alleys that are super fun to explore.

Usually, when I take walks like this, I listen to music. It helps me block out interference to think. But it also locks you up inside your head. This time around, I wanted to engage my senses. Just hear the sounds of the city. Because of this, I decided to follow some rhytmic hisses I heard from nearby. I turned a corner and found a spot where a whole crew of people were spraying graffiti and BBQing on a massive wall that seemed designated for just that. (I didn’t take pictures because it’s bad etiquette, so here’s this thing I saw instead.)

I stopped by to admire the art for a bit and continued my quest. At this point, I was walking from park to park, without even looking for them. That whole neighbourhood is peppered with skateparks, children’s playgrounds and overgrown industrial areas. I love the verticality too! There are residential blocks connected only through little bridges, tunnels and multi-level third spaces. I had a really good time snooping around and finding these hidden nooks and crannies. I also found these cats in their owner’s garden! They looked so pissed haha.

At some point I even went through a park that crosses the highway to the peripherique. I’d never been there before, and it kind of shocked me that this huge, green communal space was built on a bridge over an autoway. And just when I thought I was completely and utterly lost, I popped right back on a route that I ride my bicycle on every week on the way to my bouldering gym. I was surprised and delighted!

I never really walk that route either, so it was fun to just check it out in a quiet pace instead of having to keep my eye out for Paris traffic. At this point, I was getting pretty tired. I was near a restaurant that I always wanted to try, because it looks like a really cozy place every time I ride by, so I decided to finally pop in for a drink. The staff were super friendly, and all the people there seemed to be enjoying it too.

I sat down with my pint and decided to do some administrative chores I’d been putting off. After that, I felt energized enough to pop by the grocery store to get some fresh fruits and vegetables. I walked back home and cooked myself a nice meal. After that, I washed the dishes and folded the laundry.

Why Am I Doing? (this)

So did I ended up finding a story? Maybe not in the traditional sense, but I definitely came back with a feeling of gratitude. I’m thanful feelings of depression manifest as executive dysfunction, but still allow me to experience moments of joy, awe and beauty.

I also realized that I do get energized from being with people. I always thought of myself as an introvert who gets drained by social contact. That’s still true, but I understand now that I do very much enjoy being among people, rather than with people. Being among those young families, seeing the graffiti artists and sitting in the sun next to some old men sipping their beers all energized me, even though I didn’t exchange a single word with any of them. I’ve felt the same energy when walking next to the canal where people play ptanque in the past.

We all crave connection in some way. I guess for me it might be enough to pass by a community space without actually partaking in the community.

As you’ve probably noticed, I already feel a lot better after my little journey! Good thing too because tomorrow I need to go to the ambassy to do bureaucratic stuff, and that would’ve been a whole ordeal if I was still down. Thanks for sticking around, and talk to you next week!